The Good Ship Venus
There's frigging on the rigging;
Wanking on the planking,
Tossing on the crossing,
There was fuck all else to do.
Twas on the good ship Venus,
By God you should have seen us,
The figurehead was a whore in bed
And the mast the Captain's penis.
The captain of this lugger,
He was a dirty bugger,
He wasn't fit to shove shit
From one place to another.
The captain's wife was Mabel.
Whenever she was able,
She'd fornicate the second mate
Upon the galley table.
The ship's cook's name was Freeman,
My God was he a demon,
He fed the crew on menstrual stew
And hymens fried in semen.
The captain had a daughter,
Who fell into the water,
We heard her squeal and knew an eel
Had found her sexual quarter.
The first mate's name was Carter,
By God he was a farter,
When the high winds would cease
They's use Carter to start her.
The second mate's name was Andy,
His balls were long and bandy,
We filled his arse with molten brass
For wanking in the brandy.
The cabin boy was Kipper,
A dirty little nipper,
We stuffed his arse with broken glass
To circumcise the skipper.
The captain's name was Morgan,
By Christ he was a gorgon!
Ten times a day sweet tunes he's play.
On his productive organ.
The captain's daughter Mable,
They laid her on a table!
And all the crew would come and screw
As oft as they were able.
"Twas on a Chinese station,
We caused a great sensation.
We sunk a junk in a sea of spunk
By mutual masturbation.
The third mate's name was Paul,
He only had one ball.
But with cracker he rolled terbaccer
Around the cabin wall.
The captain's daughter Mary,
Had never lost her cherry.
The men grew bold and offered gold
And now there's no more Virgin Mary.
Another cook was O'Malley,
He didn't dilly dally.
He shot his bolt with such a jolt
He whitewashed half the galley.
The boatswain's name was Lester,
He was a hymen tester.
Thru hymens thick he stuck his prick
And left it there to fester.
Another one was Cropper,
Oh Christ he had a whopper.
Twice round the deck, around his neck
And up his bum for a stopper.
The ship's dog's name was Rover,
The whole crew had him over,
We ground that faithful hound
From Singapore to Dover.
The engineer was McTavish
And young girls he did ravish,
His missing dick's at Istanbul
He was a trifle lavish.
A homo was the Purser,
He couldn't have been worser,
With all the crew he had a screw,
Until they yelled: "Oh no sir."
So now we end this serial,
Through sheer lack of material.
I wish you luck and freedom from
The bosuns name was Carter
He was a musical farter
He could play God Save the Queen from beginning to end
And Beethoven’s moonlight sonata.
They spied whore upon the shore.
And off came shirt and collar.
In 20 minutes by the clock,
she'd made a thousand dollars.
The first mates name was Carter
By God he was a farter
When the wind wouldn't blow and the ship wouldn't go
they called on Carter the farter to start her
Thanks to Barbara for correcting an error and to Colin Manchester and Ian & Maggie Graham for the additional verses.
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If you think these lyrics are incorrect or if you have alternative lyrics (preferably funny and Quins related ones) drop me a line
This is copyright of the lyricist/songwriter and is only used here to aid our singing and to reduce the use of the phrases: "La-la-la", "Dum-ti-dum" and "Errr, hang on a minute, I'll remember in a minute".